You Want Cheese With That Whine?

“How canst thou sayest that thou art out of breath when thou hast enough breath to say that thou art out of breath?”
--William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

It used to be, whenever I couldn’t get done what I wanted to do, I did these, in order:

1. Get angry.

2. Blame someone or something for it not happening.

3. Figure out a reason why I couldn’t get it done, so if someone asks, I will have a comeback answer.

Over time, I got really good at coming up with reasons not to get things done. When business was bad, I blamed it on the economy. When someone pointed out one of my weird mannerisms, I blamed it on my upbringing. When something in my world frustrated me, it was society’s fault.

I got so good at making excuses that I spent more time on excuses than figuring out solutions. And I got damn good at whining.

Then one day, right around the end of last year, I simply got sick of my own excuses. I then tried a little experiment: whenever someone began to blame me for something, I simply said, “You know what, my fault. Let me figure out how to fix it.”

Since I had no more excuses and didn’t allow myself to pass the blame somewhere else, I was forced to come up with solutions. I was forced to work out every problem until it was fixed. I didn’t have the option of escape or procrastination. I went to bed exhausted every night, because I didn’t want to leave the day unfinished.

But every night I slept well, because I knew I had accomplished something.

Soon things started to change. Business picked up, and kept picking up. I felt better about myself because I literally had no time to feel bad about myself (this sounds silly but it works). My world changed, from surrounding myself with excuses to surrounding myself with solutions.

Something else happened. I didn’t have time for anger anymore.

Someone once told me that when I’m angry at someone, it’s because I recognize something negative in that person that is also in me. If I’m angry at a procrastinator, it’s because I’m frustrated at my own procrastination.

Another reason that I could be angry at someone is because they have something that I want but can’t have. Envy is not a good thing. If I get rid of envy, I also get rid of a good chunk of anger.

A third reason for anger is wanting to control the world, or the people in it, and the world and the people in it don’t want to cooperate. If I just let others do what they want to do, and focus on myself, what I need to do to make myself better, I’ll be less angry.

If I concentrate on what makes me happy, instead of trying to please someone else, I’ll be less angry. If I concentrate on my own tasks instead of always looking over my shoulder to see what others are up to, I’ll be less frustrated. If I live the life that I want to live, and own up to my mistakes, and fix them with my own hands, I will be in a good way.

It’s amazing how everybody already knows everything that I just said, and yet…

Quiet is the Sign of a Convinced Existence

Two things happened today: I went to Knott’s Berry Farm and met up with my four-year old Godson’s family to celebrate his birthday, and I saw the movie “Two for the Money” on cable TV.

At Knott’s, because we were with children, the adults couldn’t go on the fast rides. It was a relatively quiet afternoon spent walking and talking, and making sure the kids stayed away from trouble while still having their fun. We didn’t wait in long lines to go on rides that would have abused our sense of gravity and upset our stomachs. Many people would probably consider what we did boring.

Later that day, I watched Al Pacino’s monologue from the “Two for the Money” movie, and this line perked up my ears:

“Gambling's not your problem. It's this fucked up need to feel something. To convince yourself you exist. That's the problem.”

The whole passage is here: http://imdb.com/title/tt0417217/quotes

I will preempt the rest of this entry with admitting to being a wimp, for those who would like to call me one for what they’re about to read. Now that I’ve said it, let’s move on.

I’m not particularly attracted to roller coasters. I’m not particularly attracted to fast cars, including manual shifters (too much work). I’m not attracted to danger, or for that matter, any kind of random conflict like screaming matches, drama, or even stress-inducing deadlines. I like things to go smoothly.

And when things go smoothly, I don’t get bored. In fact, I go out of my way to make things continue to go smoothly. The way I see it, enough unsmooth things happen during any given day that I don’t need to contribute to it by going out of my way to find more.

I look forward to naps. Naps are good. They bring peace to my life. Peace is good. I don’t get angry much anymore. Not getting angry is good.

So what the hell do I get excited about? What do I do that makes me feel like I exist?

Knowledge gets me excited. My favorite channel is the Science Channel and all those other learning channels. They focus on bringing useful information without scaring the shit out of me. I get enough fear from the news.

Another thing that makes me feel like I exist is creating something, like writing this blog, or playing music without lyrics, because a lot of songs have lyrics that are filled with drama, and I don’t need that.

I love being able to turn stressful situations into non-stressful situations, by adjusting the moment and my perception accordingly.

I am addicted to moments when I am tempted to be addicted to something, and I walk away.

I’m pretty sure that all of this is just luck. Maybe I’m just lucky to have enough hobbies and interests that I don’t have idle time that might get me in trouble. Maybe I'm already convinced about my existence. Maybe I don’t need to convince myself any more. Maybe it’s time for a nap.